Can't Sleep

As I lie in bed awake last night I hear the crash of lightning and the roar of thunder. A storm was depriving me peace on my sleepless night. I couldn't sleep and for what I am not quite sure. Many thoughts raced through my head such as when I was in 7th grade playing quarterback and did not throw one pass all season. I was thinking about what would have happened if I had called my own pass play. How much trouble would I have gotten into if I had done such a thing and what would the outcome be? I also thought about Meagan, my sister, who will be flying in for my birthday. I am very excited about that. She will be my first visitor other than that cunt Joanne. I really hope we have a good time because she will be starting school the following week and it would be nice to have one last blowout to end her summer and to help me gain some sort of sanity. Then there was my pity party. My downward spiral of hopelessness and feelings of rage towards women. All of this was capped off by the physical pain I am enduring. I have become much more active since the flag football season started. I am using my body in ways that I haven't used it in quite a while. I feel weak. My joints hurt and my muscles feel useless.

The other thing I was going over in my head is concerning the girl I am seeing. She tells me how perfect I am and how glad she is that we are seeing each other, but I have been getting the feeling that she is not all in. I know she is young, but I have a hard time cutting ties because we have such a good time when we are together. Things feel right when we are together, but I still get the feeling that she is weighing her options. I have played that game before so I see the signs and I am avoiding putting too much of myself into this.