Parker

Parker

Flippin Frustrated

Am I just a bad communicator? Do I not say what I mean? Or if I do say what I mean do I not say it politically correct enough? Fact of the matter is I really don't give a shit. What is all this sugar coating nonsense. Why should I restrict what comes out of my mouth when it is a true feeling or thought or emotion? Is it not unjust to hold back and not express myself in a manner which will represent my thoughts to the utmost? It feels to me like a lie if I censor myself. I need to say exactly what I think. I have to censor myself enough at work and why should I have to do it at home. This is me. This is the way I am. The people who choose to surround themselves with me should have already known that. That is why my best friends love me so.

Lately I have restricted any conversation or comment to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. If I can't say something the way I want to say it then why should I speak? It wouldn't be a true representation of the thought I was commenting on. I was recently told that I need a vacation. Some time to myself. Maybe that would help, maybe not. Maybe I have expectations that are unable to be met. Maybe even by myself.

I am a provider now. I have to HELP support people other than myself. I have financial responsibilities. For those of you who do not know, that can be quite stressful at times. Unfortunately I do not make millions of dollars annually. I make a fairly nice salary which allows my family many luxuries that others do not have. I also have debt. If there were a supplementary income to mine that was reasonable with today's economy my family would be living the good life. There are factors that limit the possibilities of a decent supplementary income which tends to frustrate me at times. It causes me to be hypocritical at times. I hate that.

There is a possibility that I put too much pressure on myself. In fact, I am sure I do. I have to. My wife contributes in minimal proportions. She tries and might have been confused about my expectations. Not just financially, but in our relationship as well. There is an age gap for us which can cause misunderstandings. She says I act like a 50 year old and I say she acts like a 12 year old. Fair enough. Maybe I act like I am 50 because I have to. Someone has to be responsible. I drive much closer to the speed limit now and I rarely drive if I have had more than one drink...I rarely have more than one drink. I have done a complete 180 to help plan for our future and our children's future and given up many many things to be with her and do this. I voluntarily did it knowing what I was getting myself into. All I ask is for some of the same courtesies in return. I feel at times as if I am being taken advantage of. Like I am the bank roll of her and her child.

I have recently taken on more responsibility at work. That is stressful in itself. My light work hours have increased and my exercise habits have decreased. My eating habits have stayed the same. My body is growing and shrinking in the wrong areas. I feel old. I just had a friend come in town to visit and I let my hair down a little. I slightly went back into young party time Josh. I didn't like that. My body can't handle that anymore. I have already been there and done that. I chose to SETTLE DOWN. I know that marriage isn't supposed to be the end of fun, but there are more ways to have fun other than getting trashed and staying out late.

I need to exercise more. I need to stop taking naps and regain some of that lost energy. I need to be proactive in my marriage. I always preach to be proactive and not reactive, but sometimes it just hits you that you haven't been paying close enough attention to things and have let yourself slip a little.

I would like to be able to stop on the way home and buy my wife flowers or a small gift like I did when we were dating, but my excess cash is limited now. The little things that I did that she loved so much aren't as possible anymore. Now I do little things like pay the electric bill so we can keep the house cool like we like it.

I want to be able to make her happy the way I used to. The only problem is that I will need a little more support from her to be able to do that. If she does not work I would like to come home to a clean house and have clean clothes to wear. I would like her to ask me for a back rub because she vacuumed the whole house and dusted and folded laundry to make it sore. I want the things that we do to stop going unnoticed. On both ends. I have tried to be more positive towards her, but it may have been mistaken as a dull compliment instead of a sincere one. Mostly, I just want things to get better.

Macy

Coming Home

I am going back to Jacksonville to be with my family.

Sometimes life throws things at you. Some you catch and some you let go by. It is the ones that you catch and then throw away that are trivial.

I got married to a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman who loves me with all her heart. I couldn't have asked for anything more...but I did. I asked this woman to wait for me. To marry me and then wait 5 months to be with me. What was I thinking. Who leaves their wife just a few days after they get married? Sure it wasn't the most conventional wedding (lol) but it worked for us. My family loved her and her daughter Kenzie. I couldn't have asked for anything more, but I did. It took me 17 days to realize that I made a mistake.

I love baseball and I love my wife, but in different ways. I love baseball because it is something I am good at. It was something that was supposed to be my career and get me my college education paid for. Well, none of that panned out. It is a one-sided love. Baseball doesn't love you back. Baseball shits on you. It can be fun, but my personality and baseball's personality don't coincide. With my wife it is a 2 way street. I love her and she loves me back the exact same way. I can see it in her eyes and in her touch. It is the most amazing feeling a person can feel. KNOWING, really knowing that someone loves you so much it hurts. You can't replace that with a game. I wouldn't trade what I have with my wife for anything and I can't stand being away from her when I don't have to be.

So Flippin excited

Marriage, kids, house, family. It is all so exciting. Tomorrow is the big day. Mendi's surprise should be there. I hope she likes it. Hopefully the clothes have arrived that my mom sent. My mom took us to Babies R Us and bought Kenzie a ton of clothes and there wasn't enough room to take them on the plane. I can't wait to start a family and actually being a family. There are so many things I am missing out on by being here. Things that are "firsts" that we should be able to share together. One thing we had to experience over the phone is the biggest bummer that I couldn't be there for. It is tough, but then again it isn't. It isn't tough because I can feel her love through the phone. It is seriously the greatest feeling ever hearing her voice. Hearing the passion in her voice and the concern when things go wrong. She is always so supportive and just plain wonderful. We don't panic about anything and we communicate so well and we manage.

Now that we are married and will be living together and sharing bank accounts. It is all new and fun to think about. It is like a new challenge that we will get to conquer together. It is like we are a team. Well, we are, but like it is a game of us against the odds. We will come out on top. And even if we don't always, we will work through it together. I couldn't have hoped for a better woman to share my life with. Those who doubt us are allowed to, but they will see. Our love is pure. Our dedication is endless. Our lives are bonded together. It is the beginning of something very special.

I love my wife

Isn't she beautiful! When I see this picture I can' help but think about how happy this woman makes me. It is a very trying time right now being so far away from her, but I know in my heart we will manage and we will come out of this so strong. Coming here was not a tough decision at first. It was a no-brainer, but now that I think about it I almost second guess myself. I know it isn't good to do that, but it is so hard knowing that I could be at home lying in her arms feeling her body against mine. That is the best feeling I know. I feel whole when I am with her. It is funny because when I was with Tami and I quit baseball I felt this exact same way, but roles reversed. Here I have left my love to go to baseball and it just doesn't seem worth it. That is a huge reason why I know so well that this woman is it for me. Growing up all I knew was baseball. That is all I ever wanted to do or have. I gave that up basically for a woman and love and a "normal" life. Here I didn't give anything up, morelike halfway paused for lack of a better term my "normal" life for baseball.

I don't think I did anything wrong, but it doesn't feel completely right. I can't express the love I have for Mendi. I just can't. It is inexplicable. She gives me life. She fills the voids I had in my life. Everything I was lacking she stepped in and made me whole. Being here away from here makes me feel like a bad husband. I have gone over it a million times in my head thinking about if I had stayed instead of going. If I stayed I was going to be sent out on a ship for 6 weeks in June. I would hardly be able to speak to her or get in contact with her. At least this way we can talk everyday. She can fly out here to visit and if need be I can fly back home to see her. On a ship you can't exactly do that. Of course that is only six weeks compared to 5 months, but that seems like it would have been a lot harder on us.

Dont get me wrong, I am having an ok time out here. I mean, I am getting paid to play baseball. I just can't wait to get out of the Navy and be able to KNOW that I get to see my wife everyday when I go home from work. I just hope she knows how bad it hurts me to know that I put her through the same kind of sress and discomfort that I am feeling. The only thing I canhope is that the thought of my love keeps her warm at night. I love her so much.