Death

Dying is a time when your body stops moving and your soul moves on. Maybe being here on Earth is not necessarily punishment, but some kind of preparation for what is to come in the next life. It may be an appreciation factor. If you stray in this world than you are not ready to go on into the next and you are sentenced to try again repeatedly until you get it right.

I have the right to be me and in my spaces you will see that in time my life has a tendency to reciprocate the negativity.

Ruined a Life, That's My life story

Can I feel down on myself and have a pity party please. Ok, thanks for your permission. I have a pimple on my lower back that is giving me excruciating pain when it is touched or rubbed against. I have some kind of mental problem that will not allow me to have a properly functioning relationship. I have an overactive libido that is only fulfilled properly maybe once a month or every few months. I have a crappy job that was brought on by a crappy decision. I have no baseball career due to many crappy decisions. I have no friends within 1,000 miles due to a crappy decision. I have an unhappy girlfriend who I love with all my heart and I just can't keep her happy. I want to. I really do. I have a family who needs me and misses me dearly. I can't see them for a long while. I have a bad temper. I control it by keeping it in and self destructing. Sometimes I feel as if I can't even deficate properly...most of the time I don't. I am my own disfunctional family. I think I have a tendency to feel subservient. I am a douche bag. I just looked up douche bag on Merriam Webster's web site and it says this: slang : an unattractive or offensive person I am sorry to all who have to put up with me.

Attn: All Readers

I am not going to allow comments on my Blog anymore. I have come to realize that it is just not worth it. If you would like to comment, please e-mail me. Those of you who read this should know my e-mail address.

Strong Feelings...Strong Words

I love her. I am in love with her. We get along so grand at times. She can make me feel like I have met my soul mate. She can also make me feel like I have met my nemesis. The thing is that through all of our discussions and arguments one thing stays the same. I have an undeniable love for her and I instantly want things to be better. That causes a problem in itself. Most of the time people need to get the things that bother them out into the open and get a good solid argument to feel better. Get the load off per se. I try to skip that sometimes just to try to make things better. I am an overly sensitive male. I know this. My feelings are true and ever so passionate for this girl. I am putting all of myself into this relationship trying to make it work and I feel at times that I am failing myself. It is causing problems. I am a moody little bitch sometimes...most of the time, who is to say. I hate knowing that I hurt her, but sometimes she leaves me no choice. I am a glutton for punishment. I have to go unload a truck. I love you baby girl.

Head Ache...Bed Ache

I need to get some. I tell you what. February 11th cannot come soon enough. No pun intended. I think I had a migraine last night. I had a terrible day and started getting a head ache at work and then when I got home I could not relax. The head ache then got much worse. It felt like there was a clamp on my balls and on my head at the same time...now that is pain. I had class last night for almost 3 hours too. I had a meeting with my Chief today to address the way he speaks and treats me. Poorly to say the least. I feel like the name on my uniform says "BITCH" instead of TIPS. The talk did not go the way I would have liked it to, but the UCMJ is a powerful thing. He said he picks on me because he likes me...I say he is just an ass hole. I had written out a list of things I wanted to address when we spoke and I left it on my desk. I went outside to enjoy some Copenhagen and while I was out there he came by my desk to see if I re-did his business cards and saw the paper. He asked SK1 Jones, the boss that I like, if I was mad at him(mad at SK1 Jones) and he said, "no, he is mad at you". So, Coaxum came and got me from outside and informed me that Chief had seen my list. I was like, oh shit. There weren't very nice things on that list. He looked surprised that I felt that way. He played off the incident from yesterday like it was nothing...he cussed at me if you didn't know...for no reason. I told him he needs to give more positive reinforcement and stop being such a jerk. He said he thinks I do a good job and appreciates the extra skills that I have regarding the work I do on our web site. I do a lot of things that are not typical for someone of my rank or rate(job). I go above and beyond and save a lot of time just because of my computer background. Plus the shit isn't that difficult anyway. It is almost 4pm. I gotta clean up and go.

Euphoric

When things go good they go good and when things go bad they go very bad. But now it seems I need to turn over a new leaf. All of my friends know that I posess the power to be a dick. So do I. I have been told before that I am as moody as a female, if not worse. I agree. My mood can swing at any time. Why?? That is a good question. Could there be a "real" medical explanation for it? Maybe. Or could it just be that I am a moody little bitch. As you all know I did go to a therapist for a while after that Bitch Tami fucked me up. It helped. There is something strangely comfortable about telling your feelings to a complete stranger. They do still judge, but not as harshly. Not as directly. I would like to still be able to go to my therapist every once in a while, but not one in the Navy. If you go to a therapist in the Navy, you are a risk. No matter what the problem is they judge you automatically. Now, that is bull shit. I used to think that going to a shrink was a bunch of crap until I experienced it first hand. I did not feel weak by going there, I felt empowered. Input by an unbiased source was an enlightenment. I feel like I could use that help again at the current moment. I need to know how to overcome my anger issues. They have caused me problems all of my life and they have always caused relationship problems. I am in a relationship now that I feel like could and should be the last one I am ever in. As long as I can be the nice side of myself. I don't know if it is better to know you have a problem and not know how to fix it, or to have a problem and not recognize it. Pushing someone away due to lack of self restraint is a horrible feeling. Hurting someone's feelings and not caring at the time is a horrible feeling.

I am deeply sorry to all of you who I hurt.

Now get over it.

Just kidding.

Friends aren't forever, Masterbation is

Wuddup. Chillin. I am at the duty desk. I got to the office at 7:45 this morning because I was supposed to take over duty at 8. Well the person who had duty the prior day didn't get here until 9:30. I sat in the parking lot for a long ass time waiting for her to get here and give me the keys. She had no excuse. I liked that. It was honest. I didn't mind anymore. Plus, I didn't have anything better to do but sleep. I need my sleep, though. I talked to That Guy last night. It was a good convo. We just talked about nothing really. I have been neglecting my friends lately. Not purposely, it just happens. I mean I do have to wack it. I haven't talked to Roy Fatwell since I was at home and he never came to see me. I am kinda upset with him, but that is not why I haven't called him. My sis is mad at me. Apparently I didn't spend enough time with her when I was home. Plus i haven't talked to her since I have been back. I do go and read her blogs though. Does she know this??? She should. People don't understand what kind of a rut I am in. Josh Tips is only one man. I'd just like to thank God.

I need to go to the gym today. I'm getting pretty swole. I haven't maxed out on bench lately, but I would guess I am around 300 or so. I do reps of 225 and I am about to move that up to 235. I am curling the bar plus a 45 on both sides 5 sets of 8. My muscles haven't really grown, especially my biceps, but I think that might have something to do with my diet? I still run 30 minutes, but I cut it down to every other day because I am older now and it kills my knees. I am just glad that I have started caring about my weight...not that I didn't care before, I guess I just didn't realize how big I had gotten. I saw a picture of myself when I was at my biggest and I never really thought I was that big. My face was soo fat. Why didn't anyone say anything to me? I got back into pretty good shape when I was at Tyler and I am in much better shape than that now. I need a good abdominal workout if anyone has any suggestions. I just do about 200 sit ups when I go to the gym. I don't mix it up too much, just normal sit ups.

Joanne and I hit a rough spot for a few days. We are out of it now and it is great. We talked for a long time on the phone a couple times yesterday and it was very relaxing. Soothes the soul. So much better than arguing. We are both so very stubborn. I love her.

I love you sis. Sorry I haven't called, but....neither have you...HA!
Congrats on winning at Trivial Persuit...did I spell that right?

Holy shit, it is 11:00am. I gotta go get some Socom in. Later Bitches.

I Love Joanne

I love Joanne I love Joanne I love Joanne I love Joanne

Hip Hop Anonymous

Hip...Hip Hop...Hip Hop Anonymous??

My baby gurl is coming out to see me on Valentines day weekend. Talk about excited, I just pee'd my pants. No, for real...I did. Seriously. Ok, so I just wanted to give a shot out to Wal-Mart for this pimpin' ass $6 watch I am sporting with the not-so-silent velcro band. Why would anyone want to make velcro silent? I love that sound. I need to get me some velcro shoes. I could rock those. Back to Wal-Mart I go. Betcha I could get some for less than $10. Sis, if you are reading this I need to get your help putting some more pics on this site. E-mail me or comment or call me or fart or something. Ok, so Joanne is like the wind to me. Although I cannot see it I can feel it and hear it. And boy do I love the wind. Work is boring as hell. I need to go buy my new ribbon for my uniform for my marksmanship. Ya, I can cap ya with my 9 milli. Now I have 2 ribbons and don't look like such a scrub. That Guy...we need to schedule you a trip to come here to Florida. Lets get on that. Joanne's air fare was $89 each way from Dallas. I can put you up in the base hotel for $30 a night. It will be cheap. Maybe on spring break or something. When is your spring break? To anyone who reads this NEVER Ever Ever Ever watch the movie Little Black Book. Horrible and very boring and makes you never want to trust a woman. They are scandalous.

Joanne and I are on a level. We mesh. I am not rubber and she is not glue. She makes my day brighter. I love it when she laughs and I love it when she makes me laugh. She is very funny and we feed off of each other very well. She is something special.

I love you all and to all a good night.

daS mA I

Today was a bad day. I almost lost my cool at work this morning. You know when you get so frustrated and fed up where you just start tearing up...ya, that was me, but I kept the tears in. I could have let them out, but I didn't let it get that far. I am tired of being treated like a child. I am 25 friggin years old. I have more education than most of the people I work with. I guarantee I have the highest SAT score and the highest military entrance exam score out of all the people I work with. That is if they even took the SAT. I am leaving work early...another unfinished entry. No more calling Joanne Jo on my web-site. Oops. I love you.

Why Me?

I am back...back again. Once again my trip home was great. It makes me realize how much I hate my decision making process. I actually spoke with the career counselor at my command today about my options. I could request to go to a new command, but that would probably require much more work...we all know how I hate to work. I am going to see about getting a try-out for the All Navy Baseball Team. I will be getting paid to play baseball if I do that. During the season I would travel with the team and when it is over I would return to the shit hole I call Florida. I am going to start college as soon as possible. I am going to try to get over to the Navy College office tomorrow to see what I can do there. I need a damn degree. I need a future. If things are going to work out with Joanne I need to have a plan...or at least an idea. I need to have a way to get a good job when I am through with this crap I got myself into. I could have gotten out early...I still can, but I would have to pay back all of my bonus. That would be about 7 grand after taxes. I only have about 2 or 3 of it left. I am going home for the day. I will check in tomorrow. I loved Shreveport Jo. I'm outtie.