Isn't Life Funny

When life gives you lemons, should you make lemonade? I say NO! Piss in a jar and sell it as if it were lemonade, then take pictures of the assholes drinking it and post it on the internet.

New Orleans is about to be a lot more new. Go Saints...lol.

Most of my co-workers went to the Jacksonville Suns baseball game today. I am at work. I hope they get rained on.

Do they make low-rider wheel chairs? For the short paralyzed people? I guess it doesn't matter. Everyone is shorter in a chair. Have you ever seen a midget in a wheelchair?

I hate it when people send me those chain letter e-mails. I never forward them all and I am still alive. I do have bad luck, though. Fuck it, I still won't forward one. They should make it where if I don't forward it on then the person who sent it to me will have bad luck. Maybe then those assholes will stop sending them around. Maybe they should all die and burn in hell. Or like get some kind of horrible rash in their genital region.

Have you ever zipped up on your privates? That shit hurts. Or like accidentally hit yourself in the balls. Why does that hurt so bad? You could drop a feather on your nut sack and end up in the hospital for a week. I wonder what it would be like if you got elephantitis?? Your scrotum would have to expand for that, right? When it goes away does your sack shrink up too? That would suck if it didn't. Everytime you took a shit your nuts would be dangling in the water and you would have to wash your nuts. I think I am going to invent a nut washer for special cases like that. I guess you could just do the double flush. That water is clean isn't it?

Why are they just now thinking about changing cheerleader uniforms? Those bitches have looked slutty for ages. Is it a rule that your IQ has to be less than your bust size to be a cheerleader? Stupid bitches, but thanks for all the ass.

Why do other countries look to the US for help? Is it our fault that you guys are all pussies? We don't fuck up your government until you ask us to fuck it up. You fuck with us and you get fucked with. We Americans are a proud group of people. We are sinners. Just look at Clinton. How many men in America have cheated on a woman...I think most of them have, present company excluded. So he gets in trouble for having some skank blow him??? So he lied about it...big fuckin deal. Deny til you die. That is the slogan to live by. What is sad is that the president couldn't even cover that up. And seriously, what kind of dirty ass bitch doesn't go home and throw her cum soiled dress in the wash? Are you fucking kidding me with that? What is it, some kind of fucking trophy? Dumb whore. He gets black balled and she gets to be on Conan O'Brien. Fuck that. So why would these troubled countries ask us for help? Fucking retards.

OK, I am done. Have a great fucking day bitches.

Long Day

We normally don't work on Mondays, but we don't have to work this weekend, so we had to come in today. My supervisor is in a supply school and 2 other people in this office are on leave and my Chief left at 11, so I have been here by myself since 11. I hardly had any work to do today so it has been pretty boring. The rest of the week will be even worse.

In October I get to go to New Orleans for a supply school to learn how to use the accounting software we have. It is a 3 week course so I will be living it up in New Orleans for a while. My best friend from bootcamp and "A" school (Kwesi) is stationed there so we should have fun. It will be good to see him.

Club Liquid on Saturday night was interesting. No booty, but still fun. I got fairly intoxicated and by fairly intoxicated I mean drunk as fuck. I went with Kathi and Aaron, my roommate, and when we were leaving Aaron was walking out with this older woman and her friend. Her friend was cute, so we all sat outside the front door and talked a bit and then Aaron the the older woman started making out. The next thing I know a chubby 18 year old kid about 6 foot 200lbs of lard comes up and gets all over Aaron saying "get off my mom". First of all, that was flippin hilarious in its self, but also this kid thinking he was a hard ass was even funnier. Keep in mind that we are right next to the front door where there are 4 cop cars with probably 6 or 8 cops standing outside. I walk over and try to calm the situation by pushing the kid out of the way and getting him out of Aaron's face. Now Aaron who is a little guy, maybe 5' 7" or less, but in good physical shape...meaning not a weakling...surprisingly stayed calm while I was getting all kinds of fired up. I have had a lot of pent up agression in me lately...sexually frustrated maybe. But anyway, the kid starts looking at me for some reason so I am preparing my self to kick the living shit out of him. He made some comment to me that pissed me off so I took my shirt off, which was dumb...like saying hey copper, come arrest me now...and notified the kid of the world of pain he was entering. Aaron jumped in front of me and told me to put my shirt back on and the girl he wasn't kissing said, "no, why don't you keep it off" and started rubbing on my chest. Very flattering, but I put my shirt back on. All of a sudden I was calm cool Josh again and respectfully said my goodbye's and we walked away like nothing had happened. Crazyness. It wasn't a good night to spend in the clink. On the way home I exhausted every option I had in my phone and came up empty handed. Evidently the stars weren't aligned properly that night and haven't been for quite some time. Damn those stars, damn them all to hell.

I finally had a good talk with TG on Saturday and he is enjoying the new crop of women at UTT. I miss out on all the good stuff.

Lazy Day

I'm working at the tanning salon today and it is very slow. No hotties to speak of. I have spent a lot of time on www.myspace.com which is ummm...like a website where you can meet all kinds of new people. TG and a bunch of the UT Tyler crew are on it so I have been messaging them and trying to keep occupied. It has been raining most of the afternoon and it is steady drizzling right now. A couple MILF's came in a few minutes ago and one of them had some amazing fake ta-ta's. JP, you need to get on My Space and pick up some chicks. They are very friendly on there.

I need to hit some ass. I'm about to fuck your pig. I haven't talked to Tim or Marc or Roy or TG that much lately. I have been all drugged up the past week or two from having my tooth pulled. So I haven't felt like doing much. I am going to Club Liquid with Kathi tonight so maybe I'll get lucky there. I doubt it. I've only pulled ass from there twice. But I guess that is better than never. I am a waste of talent right now. There are so many women out there who could be having the best sex of their lives and I am sitting here not being used to my full potential. I'm going to have to bring out my "A" game tonight if I want to end the drought. We'll see what happens.

Is it just me, or do women that smoke have this "I'm fucking gross" sign on their heads? I mean, I dip, but that is way different. Copenhagen doesn't make my whole body stink. It is even worse when they try to cover up the smell with a rampage of perfume or body spray. Fuckin A.

It's Friday the 26th and I have $-48.52 in my account

I can't wait until the 1st when I get paid. I get my housing and food allowance in this paycheck, so instead of getting a $600 paycheck I will get over $1,100. That will be clutch. I have a lot of bills that need to be paid and I am also about to start paying for my own insurance. I also need to start paying off my student loans.

It is hard to date when you are broke. I need to get out there and find something if I want to be married by the time I am 30. Or before I have to leave Florida and start all over. Ouch.

26 and Still Kickin'

On August 22, 1979 a beautiful fat-headed baby boy was born. Surprisingly enough he still lives today. What a great story.

OK, so I had a pretty good weekend. My sister flew in from Texas on Friday and stayed until Tuesday evening. I think she enjoyed her stay and I know I enjoyed her company. Friday night we went to Club Liquid which is a local club close to my house and we got drunk and on the way home my roommate got out and streaked through our neighborhood. Then when we got home he got on his motorcycle and rode around butt ass naked. Talk about drunk. Then he was an hour late to work the next morning...I wonder why? Saturday we recovered and sat at the house all day and watched movies. I worked Sunday and after that we went to Whitey's which is kind of like Sneaky Pete's, a lake front party place, and got way drunk. We met up with Kathi and some of her friends and ended up with a $200 tab. I was trashed. I did get a phone number, though. Monday we went to the movies and saw 40 year old virgin which was very funny, but way too long and drawn out. Tuesday we sat at the house and slept all day until she had to leave. I dropped her off at the airport where she sat for six hours until her plane finally left. Her connecting flight was in Atlanta, but she missed it because of the delays and had to sleep in the airport. That must have been horrible.

I recently got a phone call from an old friend who wants to come out and visit. I am very excited about that. But also very hesitant for reasons to remain unnamed.

I am 26 and single. That could be depressing for me, but I try not to let it be. I like my freedom and enjoy my space, but I also miss the companionship of having someone to share things with and the intimacy involved in a relationship. I am very picky about who I will have a relationship with and I think that is a defense mechanism, or it might just be that I am used to dating drop dead gorgeous women and decide to settle for nothing less. I am a flaw finder. Not to say that I am perfect because I know that I am not and will be the first to admit it. I need someone who can mentally and physically keep my interest. That isn't shallow, it is the truth. Ugly bitches suck. For real though, I have an idea of the near perfect woman and hopefully she will feel the same way about me that I will feel about her. No games, no bullshit, just pure love and respect. I am excited to meet up with my future wife.

If I multiplied my love for you by 100 there would still be nothing there

I have no feelings for you and I never will. I never have and I don't care to in the future. You are the absence of love in my life and you are the sunset I'll never see and you are the pain that I will never feel. My heart is not empty, yet quite full of hatred for you. Just kidding, I wouldn't even waste my energy on that. Have you ever seen a puppy and thought, "how cute and cuddly that little thing looks"? I didn't think that when I first saw you or when I last saw you. Ever really. You know the feeling you get when the air gets knocked out of you? You never made me feel that way either. You are not like the wind as I can't see you, but still know you are there. You are not like the moon on a clear summer's night. You are not even like the scuzz I pull from the side of my toes after a long work day. It is more like who are you or better yet, who cares who you are. I don't hope you die, but I could also care less if you continue living. So, on that note, have a great day...or don't.

Holy Hell...Great Balls of Fire

If you didn't know it before, now you do. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, too bad for you. And if your brain turns to mush, which tastes good at certain times...maybe I can enlighten you with a few sets of rhymes.

I went out drinking last night with a few of my friends. By the end of the night I was in the restroom labeled WOMENS. To my suprise no one was offended, it was almost like I blended. Whiskey straight up, or was it on the rocks? Kathi really loves it when I get drunk and start to talk. Slurring and dancing seemed to be the trend of the night and then I hit on a woman who could whoop my ass in a fight. Just like always I got shot down, but I can't imagine what it would have been like to bang out a chick who was on Smack Down. I stayed at Kathi's because I didn't need to drive and when I get off at noon I'll probably sleep until five.

That's enough of that nonsense. We had a good time. I hope Aaron didn't worry about me because he was asleep when I left to go out. He is teaching a motorcycle safety course today so he won't be in the office. My chair is squeaky and it is driving me insane. I am still quite intoxicated. I am sweating like a pig. I love pigs. I need some sex. Sex is good. Good good good. New respect for girls who don't have anal sex, but I still won't take no for an answer. Good good good. Love the sex. Sex sex sex. Maybe I will call Dat Nguyen and get some sex from her. She might be mad that I haven't called her in a week, but she has been on her period. She was of no use to me. Hey...at least she had her period...lol. That's flippin awesome. Sex sex sex.

I've got the whole world in my hands

I received a copy of the new Master P cd today and it is ok. I also got a copy of the new Mike Jones cd and it is pretty good too.

My brain is boiling and about to go into overload. I have a situation that has been put off and avoided, but it isn't something that is going to go away on its own.

My dog is a sweetheart. She loves to sleep. I hate her sharp ass teeth though. She likes to chew on my feet and that shit hurts. I think I have stepped on her about 20 times from her trying to chew on me while I was walking. She is warming up to Duke...Aaron's German Shephard. He is still a bit too rough for her.

The day is almost over. I am going to wind down.

New Picture Heading

For all of you who don't know, this is a picture/video that was taken by "That Guy" aka Aaron Presley in Tyler, TX last time I was home in May. We were playing a drinking game and I got dared to say the Pledge of Allegiance with my butt cheeks. Kinda like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura. The video is flippin hilarious. Also, these are not tighty whities I have on, they are CK boxer briefs. I do not wear restrictive undies. This would be very clear for those of you who know me well. My guys swim all too well.

On another note-
I went to the doctor this morning because I thought I was getting, or have, a hemorroid. Do not read past this point if you don't want details. I got violated by a 60 year old man. Yup, the old finger up the butt trick. I didn't know whether I was going to piss myself or shit myself and at one point I thought I was going to do both at the same time. Groosss. The good news is I don't have a hemorroid. Good times. He just prescribed me some stool softeners.

Since when does adopt mean "BUY" ??

I am looking into getting a puppy to stay with me at my new residence. Aaron already has a 2 year old German Shephard named Duke, but I would like something of my own and Aaron said Duke needs a play pal. So he is ok with me getting one. I do understand that owning a pet is a big responsibility and I am pretty sure that I am up for the challenge.

The first thing I did was check the classified ads in the Sunday paper. I was looking for ads that were giving away puppies. I do not want something too old. In my opinion getting a developed dog takes away some of the bonding experience and the beat down time. And we all know how I love to give my dogs beat downs. Well, there was nothing there for 2 month old puppies so I asked around to find an animal shelter. There was actually one about 20 minutes from our house so I drove out there and it was called Safe Animal Shelter. It is one of those no kill places. Whoopty frickin doo. Just let them suffer to death instead of poking them with a needle. Sounds much more humane. Anyway, they had a small selection of puppies, maybe a dozen, and I browsed around. There were a couple that fit my ideal look and size. The one I ended up putting in an application for...ya, I had to fill out an application and there is a 3 day waiting period for them to review your application...her name is Robin and yes, that will change when she becomes my dog. She is a shephard mix by their records, but she looks almost exactly like Kooter did when she was a puppy. It is all brown with a short snout and it is very playful and well behaved. She wasn't barking when all the other dogs in the kennel were. I got a message on Aaron's house phone yesterday from the Safe Animal Shelter and the woman said she had some questions she needed to ask me. Is that not some crazy shit? Anyway, if they do allow me to adopt this puppy it is going to cost me $75. The good thing is that it will already have it's shots and de-worming.

I need some input on what to name this little bitch.

Apathetic

having or showing little or no feeling or emotion

I do that most of the time. I was going to make an interesting entry, but I got told that i can go home, so piss on those of you who read this. I have a flag football game at 5, so i guess i might go to the gym early and get in a good bicep work out.

Something Creative...

I have to take a dump, I'll be right back.

Ok, that was fun.

My sister is coming to Florida for my birthday. She gets in on Friday, the 19th and leaves on Tuesday, the 23rd. We are going to have a party at my new house on that Friday, but I am not sure how the turn out will be since it is a drill weekend. I am sure most of the people from work will not want to come over and get drunk when they have to work all day Saturday. We'll see. We had a party this last Friday and it was fun. It had a happy ending. I got quite intoxicated very quick from losing at beer pong. It was a fun game...I think. We got a keg and only drank about half of it. We had a huge bottle of Jagermeister and it was almost empty. I had some Jack all to myself. I love Jack and Red Bull.

I'm still not getting paid to live off base, but Aaron, my roommate, said that I could start living in his house and just start paying him rent when I started getting paid for living off base. Cool. So I moved my stuff in and I feel as if I have put in my work. I mowed the yard the second day I was there...much needed. On Saturday I spent about 4 hours cleaning the house. I dusted, vacuumed, swept and mopped, and did all the dishes. I also bought a ton of groceries and have cooked a few meals. I feel as if things are going well so far. The only thing is...and I know this may be hard to believe, but I might come off as a little anal about the cleanliness because I just have nothing better to do than clean up. So I am constantly vacuuming and sweeping and mopping the floor. I tried to mow the yard again yesterday and Aaron wouldn't let me. He said it didn't need it. So, I went jogging instead. There is a nice little 4 mile stretch I run out at his house...2 miles down, 2 miles back. It takes me about 30 minutes. Well, I make it last 30 minutes.

Sorry that this wasn't creative, but it was a little bit informative.