Contradictary - Contrary

I have a problem. I want someone to be close to, yet I don't allow myself to become so with another. I have always thought that you can be picky when you are choosing your friends. But can you? Some of the people I pre-judged as jerks or assholes have become my best friends. I have realized that I have not yet found my true self. Who I am and who I want to become.

My mother is going through a tough time right now. Her and my father are seperating for good now and she is sad and upset and a million other feelings. She doesn't like being lonely or alone period. I can relate to this. My mother has friends, but much like myself her friends have gone their own ways and are far away. Or need to be in the looney bin. I guess when you get married and have children it becomes quite difficult for people to have the social lives they should have. Too many responsibilities and random things to do. Back to my point. I sympathize with my mother in the fact that I am dealing with the same thing she is about to deal with. I made a decision to join the military. On my own with no coercion. I knew that I would be taken away from all things "normal" and sane. I venture into an unknown. Bootcamp in my mind could be compared to prison. You have no rights and no priviliges. You have to ask permission to piss and shit. You have to "respectfully request" permission. GAY! I remember the first time I got to make a phone call in boot camp. I had no calling card and it was the middle of the day. If I made a collect call it would be plain luck to catch someone at home. Then I realized that you could make credit card calls and I remembered my card #. For what turned out to be an $18 call I phoned my mom at work. I can't begin to describe the emotion racing through my brainwashed skull. It had been about 3 weeks of imprisonment and I had maybe received one letter. I was starving for some sense of home or love. The phone rings, the panic sets in, my heart races. My mom answers the phone, "Linda speaking" and I say hi momma and break down. Tears come racing down my cheeks like gravity has doubled. I can't speak. My masculinity is at a minimum. I want to start bawling, but I am in the same room as 30 other men. The sound of my mother's voice was so powerful. I was in her arms at that moment. With every word she said my heart grew stronger. I knew it was going to be ok. She was my light at the end of the tunnel. After weeks of torture something as simple as a phone call brightened my spirits and made me realize what I was doing. There were many times where I wanted to jump the fence and run away, but the only thing that kept me there was knowing that I would disappoint my mother if I did that. I could not live with that.

Now I am here in Florida. All alone still, but much better circumstances. It still sucks, don't get me wrong, but it is better. I have no family and very few friends. No one here close enough to feel completely comfortable with telling my darkest secrets. So all in all, what I am trying to say is that everything will be ok. Life goes on and you learn to deal with things in the best way you can find. There is no "right" way to handle it, you just have to find out what makes you happy. I found that in my mother. I feel closer to my mother and sister than I have ever been in my life and I am further away from them than I have ever been. Strange how things work.