How I Feel ?

First of all, I miss my sis. I haven't talked to her in a while.

I feel let down...unfulfilled. I lfeel like I quit again, just like I do everything else. I feel like I looked for an opportunity and took it when the chance arose instead of fixing me...what the real problem was. You know...I miss her. I do. I still care deeply about her and her feelings. I was really rude to her yesterday and I realized it and felt horrible. I want to be there to hug her and try to explain myself, but that isn't possible. I want to tell her to wait and give me time and all will be well, but that isn't possible. Why would she wait. After all that has been said and done I think it is ruined. I am not lonely. I just know that things were once right. I know that I am difficult. I know she is beautiful. I know I made her sad. She says I took down her self esteem. Evidently I am good at that and it isn't something to be proud of. I regret that. I hope she knows how much I really do care and how highly I think of her. I wish that she could forgive me. It isn't always that easy though. I do wish things were different. I wish I could take the pain away.