Expletive!! Expletive!!

Freak!! If finding ways to mess up good things was a job...I would be CEO of the company. Things are all screwed up and it is all my fault. I am ashamed. Uncomfortable at best. Why!!?? Well, there is nothing I can do about it now except move on. And by move on I mean to adjust...roll with the punches. I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it which seems to be a continuing pattern for myself. What have I done? The last 10 years of my life...not wasted, but not exactly seized. Some people wait for that moment where they will shine. The dare to be great moment. Is that me? Or am I destined to be the pathetic insubordinate who can't keep his mouth shut and who fights for the wrong causes to prove a point that is self serving? I know why I do things. I think them through with very little thought. Why on earth would I show up to an event with mysterious facial hair knowing that it was going to cause a stir in my Coach? I knew what was going to happen. I knew what the end result would be. But there was that power struggle...the fight to be the top dog...the I am smarter than you and I have to take these measures to prove it to you even if it means losing my dream. Self destructive is what I have become. Is there a personality disorder for that? Someone once told me that I can't have a normal life. I have to have drama in my life to feel "normal". That is the norm. Am I a drama queen? Is that what I have become? I hope not. My life was ruined by one certain person. If I had to point the finger at one person, besides myself, it would be Her. She made me bitter. She made me lose sight of what was real and what had been there for the longest time. My life, my passion, my dream. I always said that I would never let a woman come between me and baseball...that didn't exactly hold true. I thought I had the perfect life. I thought that I had someone there who loved me and always would and someone who would be true to me. Nope. Boy, was I wrong! I was transformed from a loving, kind, trusting person into the exact opposite. I didn't always want drama. I wanted two point five kids and a white picket fence. I wanted a normal life. I didn't need to drive a Range Rover or BMW or Mercedes. Yes, it sure would have been nice, but nobody really needs that. Money isn't everything. It is nice to have, but will get you nowhere in the end. Where will it get you...nowhere. Material possesions are trophies. Seperation of one man from another. Anomaly: deviation from the common rule : IRREGULARITY something different, abnormal, peculiar, or not easily classified. Apply this as you wish. I for one am tired. Daily life is what you make of it and I am doing my best. So, this situation I have here...I say "follow your heart". What I want to say is no, don't, stop. But I realize that it is best for one to explore all obtainable options before making a sound decision. Although feelings may get hurt in the process I am sure that they are repairable. Go for it. I understand.