December 20, 2005

I work today, off tomorrow, work Thursday and head home after work. 16 hour drive. Not fun. I will more than likely be forced to sleep in my car on the way home because my friend in Baton Rouge will be gone. Friday night I will go to my cousin Bree's Xmas party for her friends. I will be the adult supervision. I will be responsible...does this scare anyone beside myself??

I think to myself...why on earth do I have a picture of Tami and I on my computer stand here at work? Holy 3 years ago...at least. I used to use the excuse that I liked the way I look in that picture. Now I realize that is a bull-shit answer. I need to get rid of it, but there is something inside me that won't let go. I am not sure why either. She hurt me very badly. We both made each other miserable for quite some time, yet the good times still flash back from time to time. Physically she was damn near perfect which is a horrible thing for me considering every woman I date from now on has to compare to her. That is one hell of a standard to set. Mentally she was extremely intelligent and she was also very successful in business at a young age. She was ideally the perfect catch. "Ideally". I wonder if I blame myself for her actions still at this point. Maybe that is why I cannot completely let go. And it is as if I take my frustration out on every woman I date to in some way get back at her. Like I am a woman hater. Don't get me wrong, I love women...just not one woman.

I have realized lately that some women have a certain control over me. These are the women who I could actually see myself with...wait, no. They are women who just stand out from others in some certain way. Whether they are just plain beautiful or have a personality that I can completely relate to. I find myself jumping...jumping into a nothingness and realizing after a certain commitment has been made that there is a void there. There is something that just isn't quite right. They aren't perfect. I don't want to wake up next to them every day for the rest of my life. I can get along with pretty much anyone which complicates the issue. I can find something in anyone and get comfortable with the thought of having someone near, but later realize that the person is only filling a void, not completing me. This song reminds me of my relationship with Tami.


Artist : Staind
Song : Right Here
Lyrics :

I know I've been mistaken But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made I've got some imperfections But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I hope you're not intending To be so condescending it's as much as I can take And you're so independent you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment I'm willing to bleed for you I needed fulfillment I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way To keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

Me in Kuwait?

Big News!!!

I have not made a decision yet and nothing is 100% for sure yet....but, SK2 Coaxum was going to Kuwait with MIUW which is the mobile in-shore underwater warfare squadron. He has decided that he does not like the situation and may want to bow out. This would leave an opening for me to go in his place. I would be in a hot zone, which means there would be the possiblity of an attack. I would have the opportunity to save quite a bit of money while I was there because what the heck would there be to do there?? If you have an opinion - e-mail me.

A beautiful day

I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Josh, you are a sexy bitch." I knew it was going to be a good day because that statement was obviously true.

I haven't really had anything interesting happen to me lately so I have been lacking in my posting.

We did have a new JO2 check in. Very nice.

Lindsey and I are becoming super best buds now...not that we weren't already, but we actually hang out a lot more now than before. That has a lot to do with her being my new work out partner. Our personalities are extremely similar. We are hilarious together. We are also developing our own language.

My roommate gets back tonight. Thank God. I am tired of worrying about what my dog is doing while I am at work. I think I am about to drive to the house to go let her out and check on her wrath.

What the Fuck

I am in a bit of a pissy mood this morning. Not really sure why, but do I need a fucking reason...nope, sure don't. It is 18 degrees in Dallas right now with ice on the roads. I'm glad I'm not driving home in that. Lets talk about a few things...ok, lets.

Jealousy is an interesting feeling...that I do not feel. Ever. Maybe with posessions, but never with people. And you know what? It is probably more envy than jealousy. People don't understand that for the most part in many situations I JUST DON'T CARE! If I do act like I care, it is probably more like the wheels turning to try and seek revenge in some way shape or form. Life changes daily. By the second. Too quickly for me to actually give a shit. So that is why I choose to remain idle. There is almost always something better that can come along. Even in my situation. I know it is hard to believe, but someone might even find something better than me. Not likely, but possible.

Screen play of my life

I have decided that it would be a good idea for me to write a screen play about my life. I haven't decided if it is going to be just a few days in the life of Josh or a life story or what, but it would definately be funny and rated X. I wish I had super human powers or something because that would make it a lot cooler, but hey, it's gonna be a movie so I can make myself into whatever I want. If 50 and Eminem can do it, so can I. And I'm a whole lot cooler than they are. It will be kind of like the movie Anchor Man, but different. Better, much better.

Let me pause for a minute and shame my fater for giving me a receeding hair line and thin hair on top.

Ok, so my dog is walking a thin line right now and she is on the verge of getting her throat cut while she is sleeping. She has demolished the spare bedroom in my roommate's house which will end up costing me a pretty penny. And I don't have enough pennies to just let her tear shit up. Fucking cunt.

2 and a half more hours til I get to go home. Then what??? I don't know.

I know I wear this out, but I am sick of other people's stupidity and lack of manners. I mean, what makes you better than me or anyone else for that matter. I had a reservists cuss out the front desk woman at the Quality Inn last night because he had to share a room with another Chief, which is within regulations. I told her to refuse giving him a room and she did so. Ha! Ass clown. He thought he was important and superior and he got shot down by someone 3 ranks lower than him. That's why I love and hate my job. Fucker.

New pictures...old pictures actually

This is my friend Tessa and I one night before we went to the club back in September. Meagan and I met her at the beach on my birthday and we became friends. I have been trying to get her to send me these pictures for 2 months and she finally did a few days ago.