I quit dipping yesterday...

For 8 hours yesterday I was tobacco free. I was on a mission to quit the filthy habit of using smokeless tobacco. About 2:20 PM Eastern time I couldn't take it any longer and I cracked. I bought another can of delicious Copenhagen Long Cut. Yummmy! I felt so disappointed and so flippin relieved at the same time. I wish I had a stick of gum instead. I knew that I had a softball game that night and I was going to be around the game and other people dipping so I justified the purchase. I lost this battle, but the war is mine.

While I am on the topic of softball I feel the need to gloat a bit. In our Tuesday night games (doubleheader) I went 8 for 9 with 3 home runs. We won both games. It was a break out evening for me since I had hit zero home runs all last season. I think I finally found my softball swing.

I am getting dinner bought for me tonight by the Quality Inn sales representative. This is because I send them about $5,000 worth of business a month. Not by bringing hookers in to screw, but by the reservists who come in to drill. I have to go.

mmmore pics

Good times.

More Pics

These are some pics from when Natalie was in town. We had fun. It was a very relaxing weekend. It was nice to get away from my regular routine and be able to be myself. i think Natalie enjoyed her trip. I know she said it made her miss living on the beach in California. I can see why, especially if it was like the St. Augustine beach. The sand there was so soft and the sound of the waves crashing in was hypnotising.

Holy Fat Ass

This is a picture of Fat Josh. This is back when I worked at the credit union and did nothing else but eat and sleep.

Other pics

This is me on the left when I was about 21. On the right we have my cousin Tim who is 11 hours younger than I am. He decided to settle down with Danielle, his girlfriend. One vagina, Tim, one vagina. Just something to think about.

Is it Ground Hog Day? Am I Bill Murray? What the FLIP is Going on Here?

I know I have posted this before, but it has had a revival tour. I feel as if I am Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day. Every day feels as if it is the same. The same dullness as the preceeding and a very lackluster finish every time. I am trying to find a purpose for myself which is becoming a quite tedious adventure...but maybe adventure isn't quite the appropriate word for it. More like deconstruction. Finances are troubling once again at my own expense. Relationships are comical at best. Friends are distant and family is...well, family. I see my family as more of a group of close friends because that is what they are. I do not consider myself as having "family". I have people who are related to me and then I have the people I love and care about. Those few are my "family". As most of you know I have shunned my father and sent him into exile. Disappointment is a good word for it. At points I pity him and others I loathe him. As I feel lost he must be a have some new undefined word for what he feels. But as he feels this he metamorphosizes it into some kind of self pity which allows him to justify his actions and feelings or lack thereof. I do not blame anything on my father because for the most part he is a stranger. He is an acquaintance at best. Someone who I have known, but I never actually knew. Know what I mean. My mother is an angel in disguise with a heart as big as Texas. She is stubborn and lacks grace, but would do anything for me or anyone else that she loves. My sister is also an angel which I love with all my heart. She too is very stubborn and bossy, but has a heart of gold. My brother is a good man. Not a "family" man per ser, but he is a good person. He reminds me of my father. I hope that changes. My grandmother, Nana, is also like a best friend to me. She loves me with all her heart and I likewise. Then there are Tim, Timmy, Shauna, Bree, Bailey, and Leigh Anne. This is my blood family. After that there is Marc, Roy, TG, Nicole, Kathi and possible a few others that escape my mind right now.

Ok, I got off track a bit.

Anyway, I am bored. I am tired. I lack inspiration. I feel like I am not living the life that was meant for me. It is like I had the choice to choose door A or door B and I chose the wrong one. Now I have to walk the path to find my way. I am in a desert of everchanging surroundings that always look the same. It is like I am a blank canvas that keeps getting painted white. I fear living alone for the rest of my life. I fear the arrogant decisions that I make will come back to bite me in the ass. This is why I want a big change. This is why I want to volunteer to be a bullet catcher. I want to go to the desert and find myself. I want to find out what is important to me besides the obvious...family and friends. I can't keep living through them and using them as an excuse for my lonliness. I have to stop blaming the Navy and my decision to join. I have to stop counting down the days until I get out to start from scratch. I don't want to be a waiter or bar tender for the rest of my life. All I want is a future. Is that too much to ask?

Random

Why do I invest myself into so many things that never yield a high return? Return on investment is an important thing. Maybe that is why I am broke all the time. The things that do give back in my life aren't necessarily the investments that I want to pay off. The one thing that I keep bypassing is that if something seems too good to be true, IT IS! I need to get used to failure.

Vayos con Dios

I think about her all the time now. Now that she's gone. She races through my mind at the most random times and I can still smell her sweet perfume. But she's not here and won't be any time soon. Maybe not gone forever, but it sure seems that way now. If I could do something to change that I would do it anyway or anyhow. It's a crazy world and we have to learn to deal, but how come I always set myself up with these feelings that I feel. I wish I didn't have them. It would be much easier that way. But I miss having someone lying next to me at the end of the day. Isn't it nice to just have someone there. Someone to talk to. Someone who cares. Someone to share things with and brightens up your day. Someone who can reciprocate and will always feel the same way. But then reality sets in. It slaps you in the face. Nothing is forever. Not even the dreams that I chase.

I'm not lonely or unhappy. Quite the contrary. I am just wondering if I need to get used to my solitude. I'm not necessarily in seclusion because I do get out and have fun. It is just the things that I enjoy have changed. My place has changed along with my age. My true friends are far off and my family the same. I just wish that I could take a break and everything would be the way it used to be. Not a chance in hell for that to happen, but it sure would be nice. Good things have come from many of my life decisions. Along with the bad, but I would have to say that other than being away from the people who care about me most i am a happy person. For the most part. The rest will come with time and pushy people are not that often happy. So I will let things flow. I will see how it goes. I just have this mental downfall that I believe things have to be a certain way and if they aren't then I am lacking. Back to self development 101. I'll let you know how it goes. Until then, Vayos con Dios.

Best Dressed

Here are some of the pictures from our Best Dressed contest at work. I won best dressed male. Of course.
On the left this is me, Master Chief Love, and Petty Officer Powell.

On the right it is AE2 Nash, me, and AZ1 Diesburg.







I got a $25 gift certificate to the Navy Exchange (NEX) for winning and I put that toward a purchase of a bottle of Dolce and Gabana cologne. It smells very good.

The picture on the top left is of me in Daytona over spring break. Some people say I look like Kenny Chesney. I don't really think so.

Trying to post a picture

This is from when I was home in May.

That was strange

It is Friday and we have been secured for the day already. I stayed after to post something. I just figured I should give my readers a reason to live this weekend. It is a holiday weekend and remember to be safe. Don't do anything I would do.

One more month and I get to go home. I am very excited about that. I haven't seen the family since May. I miss my friends. It sucks not getting to see the ones who mean the most to you as often as you would like. The Navy is getting more tolerable, but it still has it's moments where I wish I was allowed to bring a 12 gauge to work. That won't ever happen but it would be nice. The command I am at right now is more like a back stabbing contest. Very political like who knows who and who kisses who's ass the most. I am not into that. I am nice to everyone and those who I don't like will probably never know it. The camaraderie here is nothing like it was in boot camp or "A" school. Less true friends and more people who you wouldn't trust with anything. I work with a good group of guys in my office. We have come together pretty good. I have to head to the gym. I'll write more on Tuesday when i am back in the office.

Exasperated

Rejoice I do with a melancholy undertone. Weightless I feel, yet gravity still pulls me downward. Out of touch with those dearest me dulling the moment, yet I still drudge on. The principles of which I embrace guide me to enlightenment. The future holds the past of sins unforgotten. Reaping what was once sewn haunts me to the point of sleepless nights. I dream of an angel that shines with an amber glow that surrounds me like a blanket of warmth in the depths of winter. Still the chill returns as if the hairs on my limbs lean to the sky. Hope I still have.

I wish I was a boy again

I wish I was a boy again so I could live care free
I wish I was a boy again so I could find the real me
I wish I was a boy again because there is so much I would change
I wish I was a boy again so everything could be the same

In elementary school I was the king of the school. I was the cool kid. Good at sports and had the prettiest girlfriends. When middle school came along it was the merge of 3 schools and I was a nobody again. I was different from other kids and felt free to wear the clothes I wanted and I still remember the only two fights I got in. One with a kid who was about a foot and a half taller than I was. The other with one of my best friends. I didn't throw a punch in either, but I never fell down. I stood there and took the punches. The first time I punched someone in the face, besides when I kicked my brother friend's ass when I was in kindergarten, was when I punched Jesse Keene at his apartment when I was 20 or 21. He was also a good friend of mine, but he messed with my cousin and I wasn't having that. I haven't punched anyone in the face since...I don't think. I have to go.