Complacent

Self satisfaction.

Blue like the most beautiful ocean wave splashing ashore as if two pairs of lips were meeting for the first time. This is how I feel. I am sad that I am happy. If I took all of my feelings and balled them up and bounced them down the street...it would get run over.

Tired, I am of all things concerning myself.

I have a feeling that No One reads this anymore

I have been at work for an hour and have done nothing but reply to personal e-mails. And eat my McDonalds Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit. It didn't look the same as the one on the menu. Weird.

I read my sister's blog this morning. I am proud of her. She is a strong woman. She gets a lot of shit from people, but she handles it. One good thing about me is I can let what other people say go in one ear and out the other. For the most part I don't care what other people think. I do what pleases me and I deal with the results. It may not be the best method, but it makes me happy. I think she needs to do what makes her happy. She wants to go to SFA, so I say, fucking go already. Why not? Friends will always be there and with her personality she will have no problem making new friends. You just have to put yourself out there. Find your niche. I am working on finding mine here in Florida. It is funny actually how simple my life has become. I was talking with someone last night about what I do here in Florida. I go to work, I take a nap, I go to the gym, I tan and I play Socom II. Very basic, but I enjoy it. I love hanging out at the tanning salon. Kathi, the owner is a doll. She treats me very well and she is very wise. She does not judge me or my actions and she is fun. Is it weird that my best friend here is a 50 year old woman? I hang out with her and her friends who are all much older than me. I went to the club with her, Patrice, Lauren, and Bill? I was the youngest one by far, but it was fun. Plus, they all buy me drinks and help me spot hotties. The club we go to is a garbage club, but they do have the hottest bartenders I've ever seen. I gotta run.

THINGS WERE MUCH SIMPLER BACK THEN

Inspired by a friend of mine's blog entry.

I remember back to a day when things were easier. No work, all play. My job when I was younger was to play baseball and make good grades in school. At least I did one of them well. I think one of the greatest feelings I ever felt in life was what it felt like to make contact with a ball and know it is going over the fence. It was blissful...pure...clean. It was almost like greatness was achieved by something so simple. Knowing that your competition was outdone to the fullest extent of the law and knowing that all eyes are on you at that very moment was the best. I developed a style of what was called pimping a home run. I believe that I was good at it too. People used to come to the park and ask me if I was going to homer that game. I was a god to some. My teammates used to love playing with me because I made the game fun. I took all of the pressure and tension off of them and put it on myself. I took care of my team and my teammates. When I would step into the batters box there was a swagger about me, a presence. I was an intemmidating factor. I have called my shot many times and every time I called my shot I did what I said I was going to do. Can anyone else say that? Anyone who has done it about 5 times?

I remember a game that I played in Lake Dallas the year after I graduated high school. It was a summer league game with the old high school team. We were playing Coppell and I knew the kid who was pitching. We used to play on the same team a few years back. We were kicking the shit out of them and I was on deck. The guys in the dugout told me to call my shot. I thought about it and said no, that it would be bad for the game. They kept on and called me scared and said I wouldn't do it. I walked up to the plate and pointed with my left hand to the left field fence. The first two pitches were balls and before the third pitch I pointed again. He threw me a high inside curve ball that I hit over the houses in left field. The ball probably flew over 450 feet in the air. I stood at home plate and watched the ball leave the field and the yard behind the fence and go over the house. I was in awe of what I had just done. Not only did I call my shot and hit a home run, but I did it in a fashion that no one could doubt. We never found the ball. I think I sent it into orbit.

The foul ball home run...is it a jinx or is it a blessing. Many baseball players see the foul ball home run as a sign that you are going to strike out. This does happen quite often. I think the mental aspect of the game comes into play when this happens. A player may think that he has to muscle up to reproduce the same effect. This normally disrupts the natural flow of a swing causing the player to not make contact. It is quite frustrating.

I played with a kid named Drew Norris when I was younger. He wasn't that good at all, but his dad was the coach and he was filthy rich. So he got to play every game. Fair enough. I played short stop and Drew played second base. He was a small kid. We were about 16 at the time and he drove a bad ass Mustang GT that was black with Cobra wheels on it. He had 2 tens in the trunk that sounded quite nice. Anyway, we had a lot of fun playing together. I never had to pay to be on his dad's team after the first year. Drew and I were actually a good middle combo. We turned many double plays. I helped raise his game because we were laughing and cutting up and he wasn't thinking about booting a ball or making a bad throw. We would fancy up our double plays and we would occasionally mess one up because of showbaoting, but we laughed it off. We didn't care. We were there for fun. Recreation. We had fun. I miss those days.

I hate it when I lose my posts before they are published

There comes a time in every mans life when they have to decide what to do. Now is that time for me and I am shy on deciding. Making that decision will be a tough one for me because things are grey and I am blinded can't you see. I try to think of all the ways that I can get by and achieve all the things I wanted but there are many confusions and compressions that involve me.

I hate shaving every day. It sucks.

I hate waking up at 5am to come to the office and sit here. I hate dealing with the lack of intelligence and common sense of an inbred military person. An officer...a commissioned, degree holding officer proved himself to be a complete moron yesterday. I hate it that I have done nothing with my intelligence in a socially acceptable manner to get the tangible piece of paper that says it is ok for me to be stupid. I would have a degree from an accredited college. That would just mean that they are the ignorant party for giving me a degree. Society as a whole is a piece of shit. Narrow minded and ignorant. Look who was voted to be in charge of this so called "great nation". Lack of intelligence should be our national slogan. I am by no means the smartest person in the world, but I can do many things that others can't. Maybe I am just venting, maybe I am just stating the obvious. I hate it when people mis-spell the word to or too. Too means also. There are 2 o's in it. I mean, fuck, it isn't hard.

Bitter Sweet

I am going home for Easter. I have only informed four people in Texas that I am coming home. I leave Friday to go to DFW airport and I will return to Jacksonville on Monday.

Unexpexted things happen every second of the day. Some of greater importance than others. Nothing can be planned perfectly. When you hit a bump in the road all you can do is hope that you have good schocks. Planning for the unexpected...is that an oxymoron? Roll with the punches...how many people actually like being hit. I have had some unexpected news of late that will drastically change my life. Something of this nature has crossed my path before and it was handled in a way that I did not really approve of. This is definatley not the ideal situation I was hoping for, but it is not an unwelcome thing. I can adapt and I hope if all goes well it will be a good thing.

It is good to know that I have people I can talk to in situations like this. I spoke with Nana and my mom and both of them were very supportive of me and quite helpful. It will feel so good to hug them and let them see how much I love them. I want to give everyone back home a huge hug and tell them all how very important they are to me and how they have helped mold me into the person that I am today.

That Guy at Nationals for DEBATE

Hopefully he pulls an "Old School" Will Ferrell and just straight up kicks ass, or kicked ass I should say. Congrats on making it that far and I hope you did well. I am proud of you. Let me know how things turned out. Tell everyone in T-Town I said hello. Alright then.

St. Patty's Day

I went to Bennigans last night with a guy dressed as a leprechaun. Seriously. He is crazy. They call him "Hollywood" for some reason. I have never seen so many ugly women in one bar at one time. It was interesting. Trav, one of my new buddies, my new pal, my chum, the singer-song writer, went with us also. I left about midnight and they continued on to a club called Elixir. I got the urge to call Joanne last night, but I did not. We left things very shady between us. Kinda sad. I just wanted to see how she was doing and say hi. I don't think I can do that though. I talked to my sis for a while last night and she had a lot on her mind. I had not spoke to her in a while and I miss her terribly. I miss my whole family terribly. I probably wont get to go home for a while. I want to save up about two weeks of leave before I go home again. That way I can really relax and enjoy it. I wish I could be home on Easter. Cousin Bree tried out for high school cheerleader and should know the results today. I hope she made it. I know she went to tumbling lessons and practiced real hard. I will have to call Nana and see how she did. I may write more later.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Here's the deal...it has been raining for a few days now. Thank God I got my window fixed about 4 hours before it all started. I am going on a 3 day trip to Myrtle Beach on Easter weekend. I would like the weather to be really nice because it is costing me a pretty penny to go with these guys. It should be fun anyway. One of the guys I hang out with now is a singer/song writer. He plays the guitar and his music is similar to Jack Johnson. He is really good. He played for us at the beach and the ladies loved it. I wish I could do that.

On another note I have noticed that sometimes when I go to sleep I keep myself awake by making up poetry. It is normally pretty good stuff that I never get to write down. I wonder why I get inspiration while half awake? Any ideas? Does this sort of thing happen to anyone else?

Daytona...Hell Yes

Sunday I went to Daytona Beach. It is about an hour away from me. I went with some people from VP-30 that I met at the tanning place. We had a friggin blast. The water was freezing cold, but it was the only toilet within walking distance. Evidently it was Spring Break for many people across the country. I met many beautiful women and I have many great pictures on my phone and on my new digital camera. I have never seen so many bare breasted women anywhere other than a tittie bar. Chicks making out, girl on girl action...the works. We were there from about 1pm-7pm. I was the only one who didn't get drunk, but I still had a blast. I didn't want to get trashed and then have to drive back an hour to base. I was drained from the sun anyway. It was a beautiful day. I almost got a ticket on the beach for having my radio too loud and I barely had it turned up at all. I got a warning instead. I have my military ID to thank for that. It was quite embarrassing to get pulled over on the sand on the beach. Everyone was driving by saying "That Sucks!!" Then later on I realized that my drivers side window had shattered inside my door when I shut my door. So now I have to pay almost $200 to get it replaced. Would have been a really expensive trip if I had gotten a ticket too. We met some girls from Minnesota. Two of the hottest girls I have ever seen. Then we met some girls from Chicago. Three of the hottest girls I have ever seen. I was in heaven.

Indifference

It has been said that when a man is in love and has his heart broken he runs away in search of the woman he will love second most. Does this ring true? Does it even make a difference. How many times can one person try to be happy with another before they realize that it just probably isn't meant to be. I am entirely too complicated or internally confused to even speak another's name in any kind of breath of faith. I sit alone. I see couples walk by. I feel spite, envy, jealousy, and many other contradicting feelings. Although while I am alone I feel free. I feel a joy that is inexplicable. Contentness? Perhaps. Feelings are not tangible. They are not something that can be forgotten. They can be mass produced or enduced by a lack of self restraint. True feeling is something that is never forgotten. There have been a few girls that I have thought that I felt very strongly about, but how many of them do I actually remember? Will I remember the last or will it be forgotten and swept under the rug? Will I feel pain and move on to the third love of my life? My first is obvious to anyone who really knows me or to anyone who even knows me a little. Even though that relationship was fucked up for the majority of the time, I loved that entirely too much.

I will remain single for the rest of my life. Masterbation exists for people like myself. I will never feel true love again, therefore I am indifferent. I will never feel the passion or the compulsion to treat someone as if they were myself. I believe that is what it would take. Treating another as if they were you. I do mistreat myself at times, but I always redeem myself. I do not hold grudges against myself. Actually, I guess I do. I regret quitting baseball. Not so much the second time, just the first time. Wasted talent. A textbook story. I have never forgiven myself for taking away my one true love. The passion and enjoyment I got from the game was irreplaceable. Along with the help of others and my own personality "flaws" I pushed myself away from the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

If I could love another person as much as I loved baseball I would make someone the happiest person alive. I am not sad though. I am proactive. My second love is that of my friends. Quite possibly my first. I did not want to move away my first year in college because I was a grade higher than all of my good friends. I loved them as much or more than the game. The times I have spent with them are stronger in my mind than those of my accomplishments on the field. They make me who I am.

Time will tell what is in store for me. Of course I want to share myself with another person, I just don't think that person will enter my life for a long time. I am alive and healthy. I am attractive and funny. I am just not fit to use the tools I have to be attached to another in a relationship.

I missed the Prevent class

Aww shit. I got a call at 8:40 this morning, waking me up, to let me know that I missed the drug and alcohol class I was supposed to attend. I thought it started tomorrow. Of-fucking-well. Fuck it. Fuck fuck shit fuck. So, I got up and showered and came into the office to check my e-mail and shit. I feel like cussing a lot today. I want to see my friends.

I read TG's page www.neonlaundry.blogspot.com and it saddened me. He is the kind of Guy that everyone loves to be around and he seems to be a little down. I hate it when I can't be there to cheer him up. I am trying to get that bastardo to come out here so we can tear this state apart. He is so much fun. We had some good times together. Roadtrips to Dallas and to The Dirt. Getting fucked up at his apartment. Me playing security guard at his parties with my headset on looking stupid. Good times. I told him that he needs not be sad. He is the Van Wilder of Tyler. A fucking legacy. Brilliant, good looking, and popular. Every man's dream. He is down because of the past, present, and the future. We have related pasts. Very similar. Except he lost his dog to a girl and I just had to give mine away. I miss Kooter. Everything happens for a reason. Good and bad. Be happy with what you have, not what you want.

Other than that, things are ok with me. I do have some pending issues, but who doesn't? Work still sucks...it is always something. If you don't shoot yourself in the foot here, someone is waiting to shoot you in your back. I guess that is why we wear steel toed boots? I need to get a bullet proof vest.

Nuck if you Buck

It is Sunday. I am at work. I actually got up as soon as my alarm went off this morning. That is the first time that has happened in a while. It is 8:25am. I haven't even been here for an hour. This is going to be a long day.

I take the E-4 exam on the 17th of this month. I haven't studied for it that much. I really should have. I mean I will get a lot of benefits if I make it. Like money and rank. I will still be the office bitch, low man on the totem poll, but I will be closer to being somebody. Can't wait to get out of the Navy.

How many people do you know that are in the military? Probably a few. Or at lleast you might know someone who knows someoe who is in. It is a bitch. You are a child being baby-sat. Fuck that.

This should be a very colorful post. I miss my family. I haven't really spoke to thjem much lately.

How I Feel ?

First of all, I miss my sis. I haven't talked to her in a while.

I feel let down...unfulfilled. I lfeel like I quit again, just like I do everything else. I feel like I looked for an opportunity and took it when the chance arose instead of fixing me...what the real problem was. You know...I miss her. I do. I still care deeply about her and her feelings. I was really rude to her yesterday and I realized it and felt horrible. I want to be there to hug her and try to explain myself, but that isn't possible. I want to tell her to wait and give me time and all will be well, but that isn't possible. Why would she wait. After all that has been said and done I think it is ruined. I am not lonely. I just know that things were once right. I know that I am difficult. I know she is beautiful. I know I made her sad. She says I took down her self esteem. Evidently I am good at that and it isn't something to be proud of. I regret that. I hope she knows how much I really do care and how highly I think of her. I wish that she could forgive me. It isn't always that easy though. I do wish things were different. I wish I could take the pain away.