Trust

Merriam Webster's definition of trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

Can you really trust anyone? Like truly trust someone? Will there always be doubt? Doubt of character, circumstance, substance...all can be questionable. Does jealousy count as mistrust? Jealous of time or attention or many other factors.

I recently posted something that said that I never get jealous in a relationship. This is now untrue. Maybe when I wrote that I had never had anything I was afraid to lose. I never had someone who constantly made me smile or someone that when there was silence I always wanted to know what was going through their mind. I never had the chemistry mentally and physically. Caring for someone very quickly is a complicated thing. My feeling on trust is that if someone is going to do something to betray your trust - they are going to do it anyway and there is not too much you can do about it. So why worry? All you can do is treat that person with the utmost respect and candor and hope that they have the same values you do. Many people you have relationships and I mean any type of relationship whether it be friend or foe may have completely different values than you. You just have to have faith in the people you associate with.

In my case I feel as if I have found someone who is worth that risk. The only problem is that there are a lot of things involving this person that in my opinion that lack clarity. Not because I feel that this person is withholding information, maybe just because the subjects of interest have not been brought up in conversation. I think that in time all of my curiosity will be met with the answers I seek. No big deal. The problem I face is wondering if ignorance is bliss or if asking questions is the appropriate thing. Not everyone reacts the same way to being asked questions. Some people like to put out information as they go or others like to be asked to give information. I am still learning about this person and figuring out the most appropriate lines of communication. Don't get me wrong, we have no problem talking it is just that some parts of her life are shady. I see a bright future here and I don't want to be too intrusive or pushy. I want her to share when she is ready to.

Another thing on my mind is me feeling like a school boy again. I wish I could spend every waking and sleeping moment with this girl, but she has certain aspects of her life that require much of her time. I am perfectly ok with that and hope that one day I can be a bigger part of it. The hard part is not being self centered. I try to think before I speak and am mindful of her situation, it is just hard giving the fast paced nature of our relationship. I have a lot of personal development and growth to do and I know she will help me with it and I think I can make her extremely happy. I just hope she doesn't push me away and feel insecure around me for whatever reasons. I try to emphasize my willingness to be a part of her life in as many ways as I can, but there are certain boundaries that I do not want to push too soon. But as she says to me about herself...I'm addicted. I want to be with her all the time.

It's been a while

I haven't posted in a while. I have been using MySpace as my blogging device. This is a bit more secure and personal. Not as many people can read this. Hardly anyone knows about it. I have a lot I need to get out.

First of all, congratulations to my cousin and best friend Tim. He just got engaged on Valentines Day to the beautiful Danielle D'azzo. Also, congrats to my mom for moving on and finding a boyfriend who will treat her well according to her standards and mine. But he should know that I'll break his fucking neck if he mistreats her. I don't see that happening though. Finally, congrats to me for finding someone I can totally get along with and can't stop thinking about.

The only fucked up thing is that I still feel like I am at a crossroad. I don't feel as if I have a career even though I am in the Navy and have a steady paycheck for pretty much as long as I need it. I just have some sort of mental block against the legitimacy of this being a real "career". Yes, it is work, but maybe it is just that I don't feel as if I am being challenged enough. I want a stressful high pressure job. Like being in SWAT or a detective. I want to experience adrenaline and frustration. I need a game type structure of me against something because I don't like losing and I will work as hard as possible to be on top at the end. I want to be passionate about what i do and I have no passion for what I am doing in the Navy.

On another note, I am trying out for the Navy Baseball Team on March 17-18. This will be interesting. I have been getting back into "baseball" shape for the past few weeks preparing myself to present the "old" Josh Tips to the coaches. I am in excellent physical condition, but baseball requires special needs such as agility and strength in body parts you don't normally work out at the gym. Hand-eye coordination, forearm strength, wrist flexibility and strength. I have been lifting legs real hard lately. I am working on my quickness and agility. All these things used to be instilled in me and were put on the back burner since I quit 2 years ago. I have seen a few of the people who intend on trying out and I can assure you that if I was the coach I would tell them to burn their bats and gloves and never play again. I heard that ove 17,000 people tried out last year and there are only 25 spots on the roster. I may be over confident, but confidence in my ability has never been a problem for me. I stand a real good chance of being selected.

The woman I speak of is absolutely gorgeous. She brings a smile to my face that I haven't felt in a long while. When I look into her eyes I see myself. I see new life. Happiness. This is different than the other women I have dated in the past few years. Even though it is new, I don't feel as if I know her in and out because I obviously don't, but I feel as if I know who she is. If that makes sense.

I LOVE THIS SONG

Song: Goodbye My Lover By: James Blunt
Did I disappoint you or let you down?Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.I've been addicted to you.Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,Remember us and all we used to beI've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.I know your fears and you know mine.We've had our doubts but now we're fine,And I love you, I swear that's true.I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,When I'm kneeling at your feet.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.